Je Suis Désolé

2016-12-17-17-28-26-2

Every move I make feels like the wrong one. No that’s not entirely true. I make some good moves, but there are so many that I am told are the wrong ones and I end up second guessing and over analyzing every other move. That’s not a good way to live. To constantly wonder if I’m in the right or the wrong, to feel as though I am never really good enough and yet too good in other areas. Filtering and pulling back are not my strong suits.

It’s causing a block in my writing. It’s causing rifts in my friendships. It’s starting to weigh my relationship down too. I feel as though I am far too much for everyone else to handle and therefore no one is brave enough to step up and help tame me and I don’t know that I have the resources to tame myself very well. Like the blind leading the blind, I stumble and fall far more often than I would like to admit.

I hold my breath and wait for the world to right itself, and wonder if I’m supposed to move it into alignment myself or just wait… In the meantime I flutter from here to there, trying to find my niche. I feel alone in a room full of people. I feel anxious when I am all by myself. I feel as though I am everything wrong in the world and drama follows me. It’s gotten so bad that I have lowered my defenses and am just allowing the arrows shot at me to land, thinking that I deserve them or at least the vast majority of them.

How am I supposed to get through this without writing about it? How am I supposed to survive this world without a group of friends who love me enough to be honest with me and not hate me for all of my mistakes? Am I even making that many mistakes? I thought my marriage was okay. I knew we had problems, but I wouldn’t allow myself to see the extent of how bad it really was. I spent the last seven years hiding under a bushel of lies and trying to make it work anyway. I worked so hard to make it work anyway. I let him abuse me, I let him cheat and shit all over the relationship. I let him use me, degrade me, hate me. I convinced myself that I deserved the negativity that he poured out on me. I walked on eggshells around my own home trying not to upset the delicate balance that was there.

I know that I am not the only one struggling. Hurting. Trying to make my way in this cold and dark world. I know that my children are hurting too. I feel like I’ve failed them in so many ways. As though I should have seen him for the monster he was…

Abandoned. That’s how it feels. I feel like I’ve been abandoned. Dropped off in the middle of the world with more baggage than I can carry alone and told to march. No idea where I am headed or how the hell I am supposed to get there, but I have been given marching orders and I am determined to try and succeed here.

Life moves on. And we either move with it or we get covered up by the dust of others who are choosing to keep marching forward. I don’t know where I am going. I don’t know how I am getting there. I just know that I have responsibilities to care for, my children, myself, our hearts (as best as I can care for those anyway) and my sanity. These are the things that matter. And while I have no idea what the hell I am doing…. I’m going to try anyway. It’s all I can do… get up, clean myself off, and keep going. Now the only question is… how do I do that?

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3 thoughts on “Je Suis Désolé

  1. ladyleighymailcom January 10, 2017 at 3:38 pm Reply

    You are not alone and its not all your fault. You have a dynamic personality that many just don’t know how to deal with. You and I are both fixers and some don’t understand that either. Letting people make mistakes and not help or fix it goes against all that we are inside. I get it. I love you and will always tell you the truth. Things happening around you right now are not your fault in any way. Remember that always. Love you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The Winter Kumquat (@EvilRZK) January 10, 2017 at 5:28 pm Reply

    I know I am simply a stranger a long way away, who has not walked in your shoes… but I have been in a shitty relationship to where I fled cross country and had no one when I got to the end of the road.

    You put up with a great deal of abuse and people telling you what was right for you, or how bad your decisions / opinions / thoughts were. That’s not a cycle you can break overnight. Allow yourself time to heal.

    Losing friends will be painful, but you will find out who your real friends are through this. If they give you shit and tell you how bad your decisions are – given you got your girls away from a horrific situation – then they are not good friends. I would even wager to say they should not be called friends at all.

    As for someone to tame you… again, take your time. When Bucky and I started “dating”… I told him how full of shit he was and that he was just like every other guy I had ever known who talked a big game but then used me and threw me aside. 2 and a half years later, we are still together (much to the hatred of his former church… haha) And he treats me BETTER than anyone has ever done in my life. I wasn’t looking for a date, or someone to be with, in fact I was adamantly against it. It just sorta happened. Hopefully you’ll be able to find the happiness you deserve along the way as well.

    Some days all you can do is keep your head up and keep moving forward. There’s nothing wrong with that, as much as it sucks. Keep working towards your happiness. You’ve always been an inspiration and someone to learn from when I was first stepping into BDSM, and my fiance also found your articles insightful. So while you might feel down, remember there are random folks who still look up to you in some ways, and know that sometimes life happens.

    Wishing you all the best. xoxoxo

    Dani

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Scott January 22, 2017 at 7:27 pm Reply

    You and I haven’t talked in a long time so I make no claims to know exactly where you’re at right now. Life changes a lot after high school. But I do feel inclined to make a comment here. I know you’re enduring a tough time, especially coming out of an abusive relationship. I think of the quote of being handed a bunch of rocks and being told to swim upstream and the harder you swim the more rocks you’re given. I am sorry you feel like you’ve been abandoned. I want you to know that I hope I can be your friend again. I hope that you will know that you can turn to me if you need a shoulder. I can tell you that you do not always make the wrong move. As far as I can tell, you are a good person with a good heart. You do what you can for others and I know what it’s like to think that no one understands you or what you need. Just know that I will always be there with a hand to help you if you need it and a kick in the butt when you need that. That’s what friends are for.

    Liked by 1 person

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